The Planets Are Definitely Shifting 🪐

Sometimes I can just….sit and go through about a million thoughts and think about how I have to write them all down..and I just…don’t. I don’t write a single one down. That is stupid as hell. - Wise words of the day.

So much has happened in the past year. I went through a growth period around this time last year after I had a horrendous birthday. I thought I had learned my lesson, and maybe I have learned parts of a lesson. But definitely still working on my #boundaries.

I continue to work with my therapist to help me grow into the best version of myself. I was diagnosed with #ADHD and put on Adderall about 3 weeks ago. The effects are just, astonishing. It’s truly .. mind-boggling to me…that I was able to go so long in life and not be diagnosed sooner. It’s equally mind-boggling the difference the diagnosis and medication have made.

I don’t want to spend too much time on my medication and diagnosis, but I’m always here for those who have questions or are looking to talk about these things. It has been a struggle ..my WHOLE life… with others judging me and my choices. It manifests differently in females than in males. Plus adult ADHD is difficult to diagnose as well.

But I was able to come out the other side and I’m grateful for the opportunity to be where I am. I know TOO many people who have battled with mental health and finding the proper mix of medications. Many times they find themselves in very frightening situations, confused and rightfully upset, reaching out for anyone to listen to them or give them some sort of comfort. #MentalHealth is 100% health care and I’ll die on that hill fo sho. It’s just as important as eating and breathing.

So what have I learned recently? (potentially a good theme 🤔) Well, I have learned that you cannot expect people to be what they do not know or understand. I think that we, as humans, oversimplify how we think our lives “should” be. The United States is especially one for pushing a very compliant civilian lifestyle.

If you think back on how you were raised and taught to subscribe to a specific type of life, you will realize, even as babies, we were being #influenced. You’re taught you must be kind and quiet or you will not be considered “well-behaved”.

You must respect authority and all adults. Don’t forget to go to school, even if you’re sick, and pay attention. Don’t lie, don’t raise your voice, finish your dinner even if you hate it, wear this uniform even if you hate it, and you must start to find a partner as early in life as possible!

I think you get it. But we shouldn’t expect that. We shouldn’t expect people to always be so…submissive and perfect and clean and shiny. Real life is #messy, love and relationships are messy, and finding your path in life is messy.

Not to mention that everyone is different and you don’t HAVE to be with anyone. You don’t have to love if you don’t want love, you don’t have to marry or have children or do anything you don’t want to do.

I wish there was more understanding in the world. I wish we could just let live. But the dualism here is understanding ignorance. Not everyone is in a position to be #self-aware. You don’t have to be their friend, but you don’t have to stress over someone else’s actions or behaviors either. Understanding takes time but it also takes #CriticalThinking.

Ultimately, you need to learn to lose control to gain control. Does that make sense? I have learned to embrace the messy. I can’t expect everyone to have learned every #lesson and know the answers all the time. No one should expect that. And I know I will learn lessons over and over as well.

Additionally, I have learned how to enforce practical and necessary #boundaries. I have realized that I don’t have to expect people to consistently be perfect. But I do have to have boundaries for things I won’t tolerate. You shouldn’t expect people to disappoint you, but you shouldn’t be surprised either.

I think we all disappoint people because maybe we all EXPECT too much. You shouldn’t assume that your parents will always be there to fall back on. You can’t expect your child to just behave all of the time when they have feelings and experiences from their own mind’s eye.

We are all just humans having our experience on this planet, in this time-space, all faking it in different ways so it seems like we know what we’re all doing. But we don’t. And that’s okay. Let’s make space for people to let us down. But we don’t have to allow people to abuse our generosity.

I’ve learned that I need to live for right now. I need to focus on the present at all times, soaking up all of the love and memories I can. This hits me with a ton of bricks because I was informed that we have to move out of our apartment that my daughter and I have been in for the past 5 years. And unfortunately, because of the price of housing right now, I will not be able to move into a new apartment.

I will be living with my parents, about an hour northeast. My daughter will be living with her father for the week and I have quite a flexible schedule. I will be down to see her on weekends or whenever possible. However, this is still tremendously sad for me. I don’t even know if I can fully process it at this time. It’s always been her and I since she was born. Even when her father and I split, I had her throughout the week.

Her father is a legit blessing of a person. He is the best with our daughter and he can provide for her. This isn’t a problem at all. The problem is just all me, sad and vibrating with #fear and #guilt. Am I being too #selfish? Should I have just ditched my writing dreams and gone with a more reliable income? Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in now.

I am not sad I have to live with my parents. I’m not sad that I don’t have the money for a new apartment. I’m sad I will have to change the time I’m with my daughter. I’m sad I have to leave my #cat with my grandmother because I can’t take all 3 of my cats to my dad's. I’m sad I won’t have my very own place for all of the stages of my life and feelings to play out in private.

Anyway, we’re out at the end of #November. I’m trying to process it all now so that I don’t have a mental breakdown. We’re going to have a #Halloween Party this week and we’re pretty pumped about that! It will only be 3 hours because I for sure can’t handle more than that with children running around.

Obviously, just these things are not what has kept me from blogging. I can admit that I have not been one to practice. I love sharing my opinion! I love researching and learning and sharing my knowledge! Or starting a conversation! However, my brain is not able to use my #creativity for work, which is a bit boring to me, AND write about what I actually DO find interesting.

Plus, I truly blossom when I have alone time. And up until recently, I haven’t really had a lot of it. So…adding my #procrastination, my #concentration deficiency, and never really getting the alone time I need…I just focused on what I had to do, which was boring articles to make money.

I’m hoping I can change this. I want to write for myself. I want to practice and share my thoughts and reach out to others, even if no one reaches back. That’s okay too. I’m totally cool with just getting it out so it’s not in my brain forever HAHA!

So piggybacking off all that, I’d like to start doing a weekly update of a book I recommend or perhaps am reading. I’d love any suggestions as well. I know once I get to my dad’s I’m going to need much to distract me from missing my kiddo.

I will be adding in all of my #MovieSuggestions as well! As I said, I’m going to try and suggest movies that are a little less popular. I may do a movie of the week kind of thing. And I’ll be blogging about various topics along the way, trying to upload at least twice a week.

I’m going to ATTEMPT to fucking maximalize……that’s not a word. But I’m going to use this blog the right way, bringing well-thought, researched, interesting, sometimes unusual written content! WOOOO FUCK YEAH!

And ultimately I’m all about the nurturing and #understanding parts of living. I am always willing to hear new ideas or opinions, and it takes a lot to scare me off. So I’m excited to enlighten your asses 🤣

I will also be researching a big story and I want to try to do this every like…season? Quarter? Idk what I think I am right now, but maybe it will take off like wildfire. Okay thanks omg love youz, kk bye!!!!!!

<3Selina

P.S. YES the medication definitely assists with my ability to finally get around to writing in the blog!