If I could really explain the absolute package of nonsense that routes through my brain everyday, you folks might shit. BUT instead I will share with you a bit of what I can articulate. Today's topic: #totalburnout
This morning I woke up and I was so beat. Lately I've been sleeping SOLID as fuck and it's been great! However, I wake up and I am still exhausted. I have only been back in the working class for a little over a month now and my body cannot seem to bounce back to "working mode". So I did what anyone would do, and I hit the snooze button and texted work and told them that my daughter didn't feel well.
After my first entry, you may think I'm a dick for using my kid. And I can see how that tracks and truthfully, I don't care. And I'm going to tell you why.
This past weekend I had a doctor's appointment because I've been having some ...woman issues. Which is embarrassing, but it happens to all of us so I'm not going to really spend too much time there. I also had a bunch of questions for a medical professional in regards to the exhaustion level I've been having (possibly we've all been having?). The providers in my area work through an integrated system so I wasn't seeing my primary provider (because everyone is sick and feels like shit, so anyone that can help me I TRULY APPRECIATE).
I get down to brass tacks with with the medical staff (who were amazing) and the doctor tells me that it could be a number of things, but I have to go have some blood work and she set me up with an x-ray for my groin (which is a whole horse of different color we won't touch on here ha-ha). She concludes that after those tests, we would have to start looking at the physical side effects of my depression which I have struggled with for half of my life.
This i quite annoying to me because on the surface, my life is actually so amazing and I truly wake up grateful every day. But I feel like my body will not align with how I feel, or at least how I think I feel. This is one of the most frustrating things to have to deal with with #anxiety and #depression. I know there's TONS of you out there that can relate to this, but please know that I completely understand what you're up against.
I've found that I keep trying to fit my life into a cookie cutter that maybe I don't fit in. I also think you can apply this kind of thinking to different facets of your life. My home life is stressful but I am grateful and humbled to have an intelligent, well behaved, creative and independent daughter and a hard working, loyal, and nurturing boyfriend who makes me laugh every single day. I am grateful I have an apartment to live in, a car to drive, food in my cabinets, family and loved ones in my heart. However, the cookie cutter in my career department, may not be the one I thought I wanted.
Ultimately for me, my happiness does hinge on what I am doing. I would think this resonates for most folks. And as I read today in this article on Refinery 29, that in America, it is very common and almost a requirement that the cornerstone of our existence is based around what we do in terms of our work.
The result from hitting snooze was I ended up not going into work today. Not because I don't enjoy my job, because I do! I like doing administrative work because it is calming and I love the challenge of organizing and trying to optimize work flows, interacting with others, and being on a team.
Furthermore, if I enjoy doing those things so much, what stops me from applying this to my own home life? Why can't I seem to enjoy my home life after a day of work? And why do I absolutely dread doing any sort of chore or errand once I am home?
The answer I have found is work. My job. My career. I keep shoving myself into these positions and places because of financial, economical, and social pressures. Which only keep me in a constant state of worry. I honestly feel like it's taken me too long to realize that I need to really do what my heart tells me to do.
I think all of us sometimes need a reminder that it's okay to still accomplish our goals, even if our goals seem distant. Because quality of life is important. If I can't be my honest self, then how can I expect to raise a daughter to achieve her wildest dreams? I have rediscovered that part of being Selina in her truest form, I need to unapologetically make moves towards my dreams. I hope I can inspire you to do a little bit for yourself as well.
Love Forever,
Selina
Credits:
Cover Photo by Eva Elijas from Pexels
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